Who are we?

Have you ever seriously asked yourself, who am I? I do all of the time.

I used to think that I was what I did for a living. Whether it be truck driver, pizza delivery guy, high school teacher, computer tech, or whatever job I had at the time, I always associated myself with that classification. I don't think that's a fair assessment of who a person is.

A job is simply what we do, not who we are. For instance, if I asked my dad who he was, he would never say "Son, I'm a Medical Lab Technician." He would probably say "I'm Mike" to his friends or "Your father" to his children.

I've spent my life trying to put myself into a catagory that doesn't exist. Who I am is not identifiable by job classification. Who I am might be a culmination of what I am, where I am, and why I am.

What I am.

I am a father of three beautiful children who live far away from me. I am a facility support technician for a naval contractor. I am fatter than I would like to be. I am going bald. Finally, after many years of convincing myself, I am a writer.

Where I am.

I am in San Diego, California. I am at a point in life where things don't matter to me as much as meaning. As far as mindset, I am where my choices have led me(but that might fit under 'Why'). I am 35 years old, renting a room, and barely making ends meet.

Why I am.

Choices, choices, choices. If I had some decisions to make over again, of course I would be happy to do that. But I don't. I drink too much. I make bad decisions. Money slips through my fingers. I am very irresponsible when spending money. I bite off more than I can chew. I have no goals in life save one: to become a paid writer. Make no mistake, I would write for free because I love doing so, but my ultimate goal is to make money doing something I love. And that is writing. I am who I am not because I was raised a certain way or because I was mistreated or something stupid like that, I am who I am because of who I am and what I have chosen to do with my life. It's not all good, but it's all me. I own it. And if I succeed despite myself, I have only myself to thank(and of course God whose grace afforded me forgiveness, and the ability to forgive myself and lead a somewhat normal life), and not one other person in this world.

I am me. I am a writer. I am a gamer. I am a man who suffers headaches most of the times. Who cares? In the end, who really cares? I know readers of this post won't. But ask yourself these questions, and see who you are. Decide who you are before you even consider judging someone else.

Rant

It seems that most of my life, I have had the bad luck of not getting positive credit for things I have done well. One instance came back into my life recently, but let me shed some light on the affair.

In the 1990's I was in a band called Victor Puppybone. I named the band, and formed it with my still, best-friend Mike. It lasted a few years, making a few changes in the lineup, but consisting mainly of him and myself. We changed drummers, and got a new guitarist(forcing me to move to bass which I wanted to do anyway), and made some very nice music, all original. Music was co-written by myself and the new guitarist, and the lyrics were mostly written by the guitarist. it came time to make a CD, and we paid the engineers to do so. The songs sounded a bit hollow, but what can you ask for the measly amount we paid.

Before it's release(self-release), I decided that musically this was not the direction I wanted to go, so I came to an agreement with the rest of the band that I wanted to go do my own thing. No fault seperation. But then something surprised me.

The album came out, and in the picture of the band sat the new bassist. No surprise there, but underneath it was the list of who and who did what on the record. The new bassist was listed as the bass player of the album, but in the credits was a small disclaimer saying "Thanks to Steve Paden for playing on the album."

Ok.

Playing what? I got no credit for writing half the songs musically, and some of these songs were completely written by me. I got no money for any sales or anything. Oh well, rock and roll, right?

The years go by...

I harbor no ill will towards anyone in the band, and still enjoy talking to the whenever I can. But something irked me in a Myspace message I received from a subscriber calling himself Victor Puppybone. I laughed and expected to see one of the old goofballs sending me something funny, but instead, when I opened it up, I read something to the effect of:

"Victor Puppybone playing at so and so, one night only, loads of liquor and fun. All original members back for one night only."

What?

I'm 2000 miles away from everyone else, and I don't remember being asked to come back? All original members. I wrote half the songs, named the band, started the band, and I am not considered and 'original member.'

I jokingly sent the guitarist a snap stating "all original members, eh?"

He laughed and conceded the error, and I let him know what it was cool. I also wished them luck with the show.

These guys are not evil, or bad, but I just kinda wonder, why do I do things and not get credit for them? Do I not stand up for myself enough? This incident was extremely minor, and because there was no major amount of money in the sales of the CD, I didn't press the matter. But why? It is not the first time that something like this has happened. The fault must lie with me.

What I write, and what I create, is MINE. This is another reason I write. Because, in the end, if it does pay off, it will be mine.


Mine.